There's no way to candy coat this. The Super Bowl is tomorrow and ladies, for the love of Tom Brady, it's time to get into game shape.

Sound patronizing? For sure.

But think about it: Who's most likely to wander in to block the TV with a big smile and a platter of healthy snacks when it's fourth and goal?

Not the alpha males in the house, the sockless lugs who hog the remote, lick the empty Cheezies bowl and shout at the TV as if Peyton Manning might actually answer.

It's not even the alpha-ghetti males, the quiet, pot-bellied guests who drink beer from a glass, prefer chocolate to chili and doze off before the two-minute warning.

It's the women folk whose attention is suspect and no wonder. When the Indianapolis Colts meet the New Orleans Saints tomorrow in Miami, they'll be slinging drinks and grub to the belching masses around the telly, gleaning snippets of the action between wind sprints to the kitchen and, thus, unfairly pegged a gridiron lightweight.

Well, no more. As women work their tight ends off, here's a pigskin playbook for enjoying the big game:

1. THE GLOVE DON'T FIT: But the bikini does. New Orleans Saints' running back Reggie Bush is the longtime boyfriend of Kim Kardashian, famous for filling out skimpy swimwear, which appears to be her job. Her sporting family tree has limbs beyond her relationship with the Saints' star. Kardashian's stepfather is Bruce Jenner -- former Olympic decathlon champion and current owner of regrettable facelifts. Her late father was lawyer Robert Kardashian who successfully defended O.J. Simpson.

2. BACK FROM THE CRYPT: Easy point to raise with men in the room, who for sure won't agree with you. What's with a halftime show featuring 60-year-old guys singing 40-year-old songs? The group: The Who. The question: Why?

3. TROPHY WIFE, TROPHY HUBBY, TROPHY BABY: Pro sports spawning at its most stereotypical -- hunky guy and gorgeous model produce angelic child -- will get prime time air play. Playboy playmate Kendra Wilkinson will cuddle seven-week-old Hank Baskett IV to watch daddy Hank Baskett (the third, we're guessing) haul 'em down as the Colts' long-limbed receiver.

4. SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELLING STRETCHY PANTS: When the camera zooms in on boobylicious Wilkinson and the guys instantly stop grazing and say "Wooaaah, hubba, hubba, having a kid didn't hurt her at all," and make creepy slurpy sounds to each other, don't get mad. Just snap the elastic waistband of your favourite sweat pants (the best weekend gear, hands down) in his face and remind him that to see your end zone again, his fantasy ends now.

5. WONDER IF THEY TIPPED HIM? As football fun goes, this is a good one. Saints head coach Sean Payton wanted his players to lighten up as they arrived in Miami for the club's first Bowl appearance. So Payton, already at the hotel, greeted the players arriving on the team bus dressed as a bell hop. He helped the giggling men carry luggage to their rooms. Suggest grazers act like coach and carry dishes to the sink.

6. TOM BRADY IS NOT PLAYING: But Peyton Manning is. The Indianapolis Colts quarterback doesn't have the modeling gigs the New England pivot does but Manning is a better stage presence -- check out Manning's comedic timing in old Saturday Night Live skits on YouTube. He's also outstanding in a Balls of Fury kind of way, battling singer Justin Timberlake in a table tennis match for a new Sony commercial. And Timberlake, of course, infamously ripped off Janet Jackson's top during the 2004 Super Bowl in what became the "wardrobe malfunction." Pray nothing on The Who malfunctions.

7. GRATUITOUS HOCKEY REFERENCE: American Idol champ Carrie Underwood will sing The Star Spangled Banner before the game. Why mention this? Because the Okie songbird is engaged to -- ta da -- Ottawa Senators' centre Mike Fisher. See, legitimate Canadian content for Super Bowl Sunday.

8. NOT LIKE A VIRGIN. He is one. For a quarterback who won't throw a pass today, NFL prospect Tim Tebow has been the best buzz all week as a chaste pro-lifer. Quick background: His mother Pam became very ill when she was pregnant with Tim, her fifth child, but declined medical advice to abort the baby. Tebow went on to win the NCAA's top player prize, the Heisman Trophy, as a University of Florida Gator. Tomorrow, a pro-life commercial he made with his mother will air during the game only in the States. Though he's got an NFL future, reports from Montreal suggest the CFL is on his radar. Another Doug Flutie heading north, perhaps?

9. SIX DEGREES OF DOUG FLUTIE: New Orleans Saints' Drew Brees is relatively short for an NFL quarterback at 6 feet. But Brees compares himself to another little guy with a big career, 5-foot-10ish Doug Flutie, who played in the NFL but had a Hall of Fame career in the CFL. Another Flutie tie-in: The Boston College star is an accomplished drummer who performed with Toronto band, The Barenaked Ladies, during halftime of a Monday Night Football game. The Ladies are part of a free concert this weekend in tony South Florida, where you just know they've got Dijon ketchup.

10. YES, YOU DO LOOK FAT IN THAT. But not Sunday. Super Bowl Sunday is the only day of the year to eat anything you want, guilt free. Tim Tebow may be saving himself for marriage but smart girls save themselves for chili. And nachos and peanuts and beer and chips and pretty much anything golfer John Daly might order. One possible nod to fruit intake: Screwdrivers or lime wedges in beer. Enjoy.

Mary Ormsby has written about the NFL, CFL, NHL, NBA, world championships and Olympics in almost three decades as a sports reporter.